Carl Reiner Makes His First Appearance | Carson Tonight Show

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Dog's life

My wife agrees that I do indeed lead a "dog's life". The way she puts it though is: "He comes in with muddy feet, makes himself comfortable by the fire, and expects to be fed." ---

Josh Who?

My daughter called me at work to say I had received a call from "Josh" at the bank regarding my account. Returning the call to my bank, the operator asked what Josh's last name was. I explained that he hadn't left his last name. Then she asked ... ---

Express Lane

I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman ... ---

Haunted House

There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the townfolk - the ghost which `lived' there was feared by all. However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the ... ---

Here's Your Phone

After a recent college basketball game, the coach spotted a cell phone lying on the floor. He picked it up and handed it to one of the referees, saying, "Here's your phone." "What makes you think its mine?" the ref asked. "Easy," the coach replied. "It says you missed 13 calls!" #joke Read more on page https://jokesoftheday.net

Feeding the Baby

A first-time father was taking a turn at feeding the baby some strained peas. Naturally, there were traces of the food everywhere, especially on the infant. His wife comes in, looks at the infant, then at her husband staring into space, then ... ---

Bob Newhart and Johnny Interrupt Each Other | Carson Tonight Show

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Castro breakfast

NED: Why would Castro enjoy a breakfast of poached eggs with hollandaise sauce and a side of potatoes? ED: I dunno, why? NED: ‘Cuz, he's benedict tater! #joke #short Read more on page https://jokesoftheday.net

Courses for Women

1. Silence, the final frontier: Where no woman has gone before. 2. The undiscovered side of Banking: How to make deposits. 3. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You don't need new shoes everyday. 4. Learn how not to inflict your Diets on ... ---

Declaration Of Independence Reply

The Court of King George III London, England July 10, 1776 Mr. Thomas Jefferson c/o The Continental Congress Philadelphia, Pennsylvania Dear Mr. Jefferson: We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest. Certainly, it ... ---

How large are sunspots?

The smallest visible sunspots have an area of 500 million square miles, about fifty times the size of Africa. The largest sunspots have an area of about 7,000 million square miles. listid: 42 ---

Pregnant for Two Years

"Mary, if you were a four legged animal and you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?" "I don't know," said Mary, "but whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark." #joke #short Read more on page https://jokesoftheday.net

How Smart Are You? Answers

1) 116 years 2) Ecuador 3) Sheep and Horses 4) November 5) Squirrel fur 6) Dogs 7) Albert 8) Crimson 9) New Zealand 10) Orange, of course. ---

College Graduation

Both sides of our family turned out for my wife's college graduation. After the dean finished awarding all the diploma's, he requested, "Will all the 'cum laudes' please stand up?" My mother-in-law leaned over and whispered, "Wow! The Cum Laude ... ---

Dueling Graffitti

Superman once wrote on the wall: "Batman is a wimp." The next day Batman wrote: "Superman is Clark Kent." ---

Cutting Class

"Jill," a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, "do you mind telling me whose class you're cutting this time?" "Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's like, I really don't like, think like, that's really important, y'know, like because I'm, y'know, like I don't get anything out of it." "It's Mrs. Dull's English class, isn't it?" replied the smiling teacher. #joke Read more on page https://jokesoftheday.net

Just A Few Minutes Work

Dentist: I have to pull the aching tooth, but don’t worry it will take just five minutes. Patient: And how much will it cost? Dentist: It’s $90.00. Patient: $90.00 for just a few minutes work??? Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like? #joke Read more on page https://jokesoftheday.net

NPR's Delicious Dish: Schweddy Balls - SNL

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Half Full or Half Empty?

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. ---

Drunk Man Ordering Beer

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already ... ---

Bangety Bang Bang!

Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle. "That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'." "But what ... ---

A few fresh jokes to start Monday with a smile on your face

I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese. "Sorry" she replied. "We only accept cash" A fly with a bug on its back said Hey is that a mite? The mite replied "I mite be". The fly replied that's the worst joke I've ever heard! The mite said, well I came up with it on the fly! I took my dog to the park today to play frisbee with him… He was useless! I need a flatter dog! I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up Fish and Chips on my way home from work but she just grunted at me... I think she still regrets letting me name the twins! #joke #short #monday Read more on page https://jokesoftheday.net

Cats Playing Poker

Why don't cats play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs. ---

New Sport

First man: My wife suggested that I take up a new sport this summer. Second man: Well, that's nice. It shows that she has your interests at heart. Did she make any suggestions? First man: As a matter of fact, she did. By the way, how do you play... ---

Few fresh jokes to start weekend with laugh

If you don't know what to talk about on a first date, try mentioning Global Warming It's a huge Icebreaker The female janitor at work keeps asking me if I want to smoke a joint with her. I always say no because I simply can’t handle High, maintenance woman. Someone asked me why I always go to the bathroom alone… I’m just not a pee pal person. 5 out of 6 experts agree that it’s perfectly safe to play Russian Roulette. I told my son, "Have you heard that they're shutting down all food resources in schools so that children can't eat?" "Canteens?" he asked. "No, it doesn't matter what age," I replied. I sold my vacuum a few days ago All it was really doing was there collecting dust. #joke #short Read more on page https://jokesoftheday.net

Cocktail Party

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man." ---

Country Music

One of the girls was listening to her headphones and she said, "Country music is so sad. It's all about dogs dying, people cheating." I almost asked, "What do you get if you play a country song backwards?" "Your dog, car, house, and wife back." ---

International Kissing Day Joke

July 6th is International Kissing Day! Find joke about it! Why was the computer cold? It left its Windows open! (It's not related to kissing but it's hard to tell a joke about kissing that isn't a pun!) #joke #short Read more on page https://jokesoftheday.net

Cate Blanchett on 8th Oscar Nomination, Playing the Piano & Accordion in Tár & Aussie Rules Football

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Honest Trailers | Luca

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For The Kids...

Q: What kind of birds do you usually find locked up? A: Jail-birds! Q: How do you get a cut-price parrot? A: Plant bird seed! Q: Why is a sofa like a roast chicken? A: Because they're both full of stuffing! Q: What do you call a bunch of ... ---

Ponder All the Things

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it? Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"? Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? ... ---

Maid Talk

"Hey, Mom," asked Johnny "Can you give me twenty dollars?" "Certainly not." "If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop." His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed ... ---

SAC Message

You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and target or list of targets, and we'll launch as soon as we can. And have a ... ---