Addled Trump Confuses Sioux City and Sioux Falls; Ivanka Ordered to Testify: A Closer Look

No body


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Inseperable

My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.



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The Men and the Fools

After enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division, I eagerly asked my recruiter what I could expect from jump training.

"Well," he said, "it's three weeks long."

"What else?" I asked.

"The first week they separate the men from the boys," he said. "...


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Two Bums

A lady is giving a party for her granddaughter and has gone all out -
caterer, band and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two bums
show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal ...


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Birthday Bonus

I opened my birthday card and loads of rice fell out.
I knew right away who sent it...
It was my Uncle Ben.




#joke #short


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Big Ad Account

During a Papal audience, a businessman approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken" and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to ...


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Quick Funnies

"The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can
do him absolutely no good."

--Samuel Johnson, lexicographer (1709-1784)

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Some people are like slinkies... not really good for anything,
but it's still fun to watch them tumble ...


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The Right Person for the Right Job

Looking for just the right employees? Try this simple personnel test. Take the job applicants and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and ...


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Freezer Secrets with Mick Jagger | The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

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Bedbugs In Love

Q: Whatever happened to the bedbugs who fell in love?
A: They got married in the spring.





#joke #short


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Freezer Secrets with Mick Jagger | The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

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John Oliver on Getting Roasted by His Parents and Booed at a Sesame Street Gala

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Meanwhile… Taylor Swift’s Secret Handshake | Whoopi Meets the Pope | Tony Danza, Girlfriend Thief

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A few short jokes for a mid-week laugh

Doctor: Your body has run out of magnesium.
Me: 0Mg

"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
No sun.

Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”


Sad news at the Nestle factory today when a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath... He tried in vain to attract attention,
but every time he shouted "The milky bars are on me"
everyone cheered

What starts with a Y and ends with an X?
Dyslexia




#joke #doctor #short


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World Pasta Day day jokes

October 25 is World Pasta Day! Have some fun with pasta and pasta jokes!

A blonde walks into a library and she asked the librarian “Do you have pasta?”
The librarian rolled her eyes and answered “Miss, this is the library.”
The blonde whispers “Do you have pasta?”

Why couldn’t the pasta get into his house?
Because he had gnocchi!

What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.

Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
He pasta way. So sad that he ran out of thyme.

Why did the man get fired from the pasta factory?
He made a fusilli mistakes.

Where did the spaghetti go to dance?
A meat ball!

Why did the pasta call up his friend?
He was feeling canneloni.

What kind of pasta can make all your wishes come true?
Fettugenie.

How come no one ever invites ravioli to a party?
He’s a little square.

Why does pasta always have to pay so much for car insurance?
Because his car always ends up al dente.

Do you have any other pasta jokes?
I’ll give you a penne for your thoughts.

Some pasta puns



I’m such a hopeless ramen-tic.

Noodles are part of my daily rotini.

No need to be ravi-lonely, I’m here.

I’m crazy pho noodles!

I cannelloni do so much

Don’t make fusilli mistakes.

That is tortellini awesome!

Don’t judge me because udon know me

Come and spaghet it.

Spaghett out of my way!

You just spaghet-me!

The battle of spaghettisburg.

I walked right pasta and didn’t even notice!

Life is full of pasta-bilities.

Can you pasta sauce please?

This too shall pasta.

You mac me smile.






#joke #WorldPastaDay #blonde


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On A Safari

Mr. and Mrs. Morrison were on a safari in Africa.
As they were walking through the jungle, a huge lion comes creeping out towards them, ready to pounce.
"Shoot!" Mrs. Morrison screamed to her husband. "Shoot!!"
"I can't!" he yelled back. "I'm all out of film!"




#joke


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Performance Reviews, part 8

... continued from above

"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans."

"It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg."

"One neuron short of a ...


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8 Funny jokes to make Monday more bearable

Yesterday I changed a lightbulb, walked into a pub and crossed a road…
My whole life has become a joke!

I got hit in the head with a can of Coke today.
Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink.

I am looking for someone to brush their teeth with me.
I am really concerned after I found out that 9 out of 10 dentists say brushing alone won't reduce cavities.

I thought it was a real question when the teacher asked me if I knew any words that had all the vowels in order
Turned out it was facetious.

I tried to rob a bank by blowing up the safe.
.hings were going well but there was just one problem.
I bought some cheap dynamite that was advertized as
"The inexpensive explosives that won't break the bank."

A skunk, a deer and a duck went out to dinner and when it came time to pay
The skunk didn't have a scent and the deer didn't have a buck. So they put it on the duck's bill

I recently paid $1 for a wig.
It was a small price toupee.

I used to date a girl who loved to be covered in cheese…
She was a cracker!






#joke #short #monday


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Bad Breath

We should have a way of telling people when they have bad breath.
Something like, "Well, I'm bored... let's go brush our teeth."
Or, "I've got to make a phone call, hold this gum in your mouth for me, will you."




#joke #short


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Reality T.V.

I realized that my five-year-old grandson had been watching
too many reality TV shows the day we attended a relative's
wedding. As the four bridesmaids walked down the aisle toward
the front of the church, he turned to me and asked, "Is this
...


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Clever Puns

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-...


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Daddy, were you in a war?

While my six-year-old daughter of the space age and I were reviewing some old photographs, we came across a picture of me when I was a captain in the Army Reserves.

“Daddy, were you in a war?”

“Yes,” I fibbed, just to see what her ...


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Good Writing Advice

In promulgating your esoteric cogitations or articulating your superficial sentimentalities and amicable philosophical or psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity.

Let your conversational communications possess a compacted ...


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Computer Issues/Passwords, part 1

Setting your password:

Sorry that password has expired- you must register a new one.

Did anyone discover that password and hack my computer?

No, but your password has expired- you must get a new one.

Why do I need a new one as that one seems ...


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7 jokes to start your day and exercise abs with laughter

I asked the chef at the seafood restaurant why octopus was off the menu.
He said, "It takes 4 hours to cook."
"Really?" I asked.
The chef replied, "Yes, it keeps turning the gas off!"


I got arrested for doing 1000 sit-ups in my own house!
They charged me with domestic ab use

People always ask why I tuck a pen in my shoe
I reply "in case I need to make footnotes!"

My hands got all cut up and bloody handling a piece of cheese
I’ll never buy sharp cheddar again

Which superhero is not allowed near children?
The flash

Which superhero can’t you trust with your valuables?
The man of steal.

I’m an electrician Most people are really shocked
when they learn I’m not that great at it




#joke


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Seeing Voices

I accidentally put eye drops in my ear...
Now I can literally see what you’re saying!




#joke #short


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All Dressed Up

When a strip club isn't open there should be a sign that reads:
"Sorry, We're Clothed!"





#joke #short


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Did you know? pt. 13

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.

The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave it to Beaver".

In the great fire of London in 1666, half of London was burnt down but only 6 ...


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One Train Hears Another

How does a train hear another train coming?
With its engineers.




#joke #short


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Matches

You are in a steel room with no windows, doors or openings. All you have is a matchbook...how do you get out?

Answer: Strike One! Strike Two! Strike Three...Your Out!



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Lead Balloon

My grandfather invented the cold air balloon...
It never really took off.




#joke #short


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Homeschooling: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (HBO)

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At The Supermarket

On a wintry day, my 90-year-old father was in the supermarket trying to pay for his groceries. Bundled up against the cold, his gloved hands were having trouble retrieving and counting the exact change.
The transaction evidently took too long for the man behind him in line, who muttered a curse.
Dad stopped counting, turned around, and warned, “Be quiet or I’ll write a check.”




#joke


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World Post Day Jokes

On 9th October we celebrate World Post Day! Here's some postal humor for you:

What’s a postman’s favorite type of music?
Mail-ody!

Why did the feminist refuse to work at the post office?
Because it was a mail dominated industry

Have you heard about the dyslexic spy who got caught with a suitcase nuke in the post office?
Fission mailed!

So I got a phone call from the post office today...
...complaining that my dog is attacking a postman on a bike. But I told them "It can't be my dog... he doesn't even know how to ride a bike".

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.#worldpostday




#joke #lawyer


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David Byrne's Here Lies Love Was Inspired by Imelda Marcos Dancing with an Arms Dealer

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More Rules for When You Find Yourself in a Horror Movie

-Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.

- If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, don't stand their sighing with ...


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Telephone Conversation

"Hello"

"Hello"

"Is that you, Larry?"

"Yes, this is Larry."

"Are you sure this is Larry."

"Yes I'm sure, this is Larry !"

"This is Pete... can you lend me twenty dollars ?"

"I'll tell Larry when he comes in."



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Hashtags: #CelebrityDreamCouple | The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

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Nick Offerman Shaved His Beard to Save His Marriage with Megan Mullally

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Inmates Running the Asylum

A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears
all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!

Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in.
Someone inside pokes him in the ...


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China Will Never Catch Up

Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no
alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster
rate.



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Bumper Snickers pt. 2

... continued from above

C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?

...


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Strippers are often infertile.

Strippers are often infertile. The men are nudered and the women insist on being well-spayed.




#joke #short


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Dyslexic clairvoyant nurse

Hear about the dyslexic clairvoyant nurse who didn't bother to charge for her services, because she could fee into the suture?




#joke #short


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Ant-Man and the Wasp Quantumania - How It Should Have Ended

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Black Panther: Wakanda Forever - How It Should Have Ended

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Bumper Snickers pt. 2

... continued from above

Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.

Just say no! to sex with pro-lifers.

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ...or something like that.

Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!

...


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Furniture repo men

Furniture repo men have a come for table existence.




#joke #short


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Balcony Life

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot,"
he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. "Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."
Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.




#joke


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A System of Taps

During an attack of laryngitis I lost my voice completely for two days. To help me communicate with him, my husband devised a system of taps.

One tap meant, "Give me a kiss," two taps meant "Yes," seven taps meant "No," and 95 taps meant "Take ...


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