Actual Label Instructions On Consumer Goods, part 2

... continued from above

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.

On Nytol ...


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Even More Actual Label Instructions On Consumer Goods

... continued from above

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.

On a child's superman costume: Wearing of this garment does ...


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Hump Day Humor: Fresh Jokes to Get You Over the Week

Sometimes I wake up grumpy…
But other times I let her sleep in!

What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.

I have 6 legs, 4 arms and a 3 heads. What am i?
A liar.

Bruce Lee had a vegan brother.
Broco Lee.

I have been teaching my dog to fetch tools from my workshop…
He's not perfect, but he knows the drill!

When I turned 18, I went down to the courthouse to petition to change my name.
The clerk asked me why. "Just look at my application," I said. "If you were named Oskar Von Wootengootenbootenshoot, wouldn't you want something different?"
The clerk said, "I suppose you've got a point."
I said, "Yeah, I don't like Oskar, either."

Such an unusual name, "Latrine." How did your family come by it?
We changed it in the 9th century.
You mean you changed it TO 'Latrine?'
Yeah. Used to be 'Shithouse.'




#joke #short


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Drop A Bad Habit

I used to think drinking was bad for me.
So I gave up thinking.




#joke #short


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Headlines, part 3

... continued from above

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at Checkout Counter

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfields Couple ...


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Appointment With My Cardiologist

I had an appointment with my cardiologist yesterday and on his door it read 8 to 5.
I left immediately!
Why?
I have to have better odds than that.




#joke #short


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DC Comics' Press Secretary Defends Justice League

A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying Air New Zealand from Auckland to Sydney.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have ...


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Going Camping?

Some tips on better camping:

-- When using a public campground, a tuba
placed on your picnic table will keep the
campsites on either side vacant.

-- Get even with a bear who raided your
food bag by kicking his favorite stump
apart and ...


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How Leslie Jones Spiced Up Her Post Office Job - After The Cut | The Daily Show

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Brie Larson & Samuel L Jackson Recreate Lady Gaga’s ‘Shallow’ Performance | The Jonathan Ross Show

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Jimmy Kimmel & Chad Ochocinco Count Down the Top Excessive Celebrations - Sponsored by Las Vegas

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A System of Taps

During an attack of laryngitis I lost my voice completely for two days. To help me communicate with him, my husband devised a system of taps.

One tap meant, "Give me a kiss," two taps meant "Yes," seven taps meant "No," and 95 taps meant "Take ...


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Justice Triumphs

A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The client, who had attended the trial, was out of town when the jury came back with its decision, which was for the lawyer and his client.

The lawyer immediately sent a telegram to his...


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Play on Words

-- How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

-- How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

-- How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

-- What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall...


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Hospital Sign

A hospital posted a notice in the nurses' mess saying:

"Remember, the first five minutes of a human being's
life are the most dangerous."

Underneath, a nurse had written:

"The last five are pretty risky, too."



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How to Identify Where a Driver is From, part 3

... continued from above

7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy.

8. One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game: Seattle.

9....


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At This Point in the Broadcast: Turning 50

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John Oliver - Finding a Place for Satire & Immigration as a Comedian | The Daily Show

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Meanwhile… Mahomes’ Game Day Undies | Get Paid to Watch Hallmark Christmas Movies

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Quote of Wisdom

"One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me
if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth,
or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh.
Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing
he ...


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Seventeenth Chapter

A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week.

"Next Sunday," she said, "we are going to talk about liars, and in
preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the Seventeenth Chapter
of Mark."

The following...


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Brian Cox on Succession's Final Season and Teaching Acting Courses

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Hashtags: #MyFamilyIsWeird | The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

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Jimmy Kimmel & Chad Ochocinco Count Down the Top Excessive Celebrations - Sponsored by Las Vegas

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New State Slogans, part 5

Missouri:
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana:
Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, & Very Little Else

Nebraska:
Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada:
Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire:
Go Away And Leave...


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One more set of Thanksgiving jokes - new from 2023

Why is Thanksgiving a great holiday for gossip?
Because the best part are the side dishes.

Why do turkeys love R-rated movies?
Because they use fowl language.

If pilgrims traveled on the Mayflower, what do college students travel on?
Scholar ships.

Why are Thanksgiving and Halloween similar?
They both have gobble-ins.

Check more of New Thanksgiving jokes from 2023.

How many pastry chefs does it take to make a pie??
3.14.

What are turkeys most thankful for on Thanksgiving?
Vegans.

What do Thanksgiving turkeys become after they die?
Poultrygeists.

What's Inside a Genie's Turkey?
Wishbones.

What did pilgrims use to make cookies?
May Flour!

Check out our collection of new (and old) Thanksgiving jokes.

Why did the Pilgrims eat turkey at Thanksgiving?
Because they couldn't get the moose in the oven!

Why are Thanksgiving bread jokes always funny?
Because they never get mold.

What did Dad say when he was asked to say grace?
“Grace.”

What did the Thanksgiving turkey say to the Christmas ham?
Nice to meat you.

Why don’t side dishes tell jokes?
They’re too corny.

What do you call a sad cranberry?
A blueberry.

What’s the best way to keep a turkey in suspense?
You’ll find out at Thanksgiving dinner!

What role do green beans play in Thanksgiving dinner?
The casse-role.

Need more Thanksgiving jokes? There some Thanksgiving jokes that were new not so long ago Thanksgiving jokes that were new recently




#joke #halloween #christmas #thanksgiving #short


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George Carlin at the Top of His Game | Carson Tonight Show

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Hunting jokes

Two hunters are lost in the woods.
After wandering around for a couple hours they decide to weigh their options, one says:
"I heard if you shoot in the air someone will hear and come to your rescue".
So they fire a few times in the air and wait, nothing happens so they try again a couple more times, after a few hours of this they're starting to get worried
and one says: "I hope we get help soon",
To which the other responds, "I know right, I am almost out of arrows"!

*************

"If you're planning to go to the forest, always remember to pack a radio, a flare and a pack of cards.
If you get lost, you can try to use the radio to call someone.
If you run out of batteries, you can shot the flare up into the air...
The cards? Well, if the radio doesn't work and the flare gets wet, you sit down and play solitary.
Sooner than later
someone will tap you in the shoulder to ask you
why don't you move the queen of hearts to the king of clubs"

*************

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.
He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed, so his friend calls 911.
"My friend is dead! What should I do?"
The operator replies, "Calm down, sir.
I can help.
First make sure that he's dead."
There's a silence, then a loud bang.
Back on the phone, the guy says,
"OK, now what?"

*************

Two inexperienced hunters are out in the woods, and after a while they come upon some tracks.
"These are bear tracks!" the first hunter exclaims.
"No, idiot, they're deer tracks!" the second one retorts.
"No, moron ..."
And they go on like this for hours, until a train hits them.




#joke


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It's Not For Everyone

What is tact?
Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic.




#joke #short


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Dollar Stores: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (HBO)

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GOP Rep’s Yoda Impression

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China Will Never Catch Up

Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no
alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster
rate.



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Drinks on me

A man gets captured by cannibals and every day they poke him with spears and use his blood to wash down their food.

Finally the guy calls the chief over and says, "You can cook me or you can eat me, but I'm tired of getting stuck for drinks!"



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For his part

What did the bald man say when he was given a comb for his birthday?"

"Oh, thank you! I'll never part with it!"



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Chris Tucker Blacked Out and Quoted The Help to Viola Davis While Filming Air

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Late Show Me More: The Way We Were

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Alex

Knock Knock
Who's there!
Alex!
Alex who?
Alex Plain later!

Knock Knock
Who's there!
Alex!
Alex who?
Alex the questions round here!



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Children's Christmas Carols, part 1

A teacher in Atlanta asked her students to write the words to their favorite Christmas Carols. Here are some of the humorous lines she received:

Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly

We three kings of porridge and tar

Sleep in heavenly peas

...


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ER Info.

I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly
plump.
Recently, after I had a minor accident, my
mother accompanied me to the emergency
room.

The ER nurse asked for my height and weight,
and I responded in a serious tone, "Five-foot-eight...


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Bad Tooth

A man and his wife entered the dentist's office.

"I want a tooth pulled," the woman said. "We are in a big hurry, so let us not fool around with gas or Novocain or any of that stuff."

"You are a very brave woman," remarked the dentist. "Which ...


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Lawn Mower

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to
take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more
important to me.

Finally she ...


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Anything You Say

When Johnny got arrested, they told him, "Anything you say will be held against you."

Johnny said, "Angelina Jolie!"



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Arresting the Judge

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Johnny, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks,...


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Car Wreck

A doctor and a lawyer got into a car accident, on a small country road. The lawyer had figured that nobody else would be on the road, and had raced through a stop sign. The doctor, on a cross street, had no time to react and couldn't have missed ...


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Nice Decorum

What do you call a wreath made of $100 bills?
Aretha Franklins.




#joke #short


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The Running Florist

I was working in my downtown flower shop, when I noticed a man grab a bouquet and head for the door without paying.
By the time I got to the door, he was halfway down the block.
As I ran after him, I heard a woman across the street yell, "Run, Florist, Run!"




#joke #short


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Accountant

Fresh out of business school, the young man
answered a want ad for an accountant. Now
he was being interviewed by a very nervous
man who ran a small business that he had
started himself.

"I need someone with an accounting degree,"
the man said. "...


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Aquamen and Buckets with Jason Momoa | The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

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Ariana DeBose Didn't Plan to Jump Off the Stairs at the Tonys

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Are Professional Cuddlers a Scam? Troy Iwata Investigates | The Daily Show

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