Being In Prison

What's the difference between being in prison and being a corporate employee?
In prison you get free health care.



#joke #short


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Jiminy Glick Interviews Bill Hader

No body


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Jordan Klepper vs. Trumpers at First Post-Felony Conviction Rally | The Daily Show

No body


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Forgiving?

Once upon a time in their marriage, my Dad did something
really stupid. My Mom chewed him out for it. He apologized,
they made up.

However, from time to time, my mom mentions what he had
done. "Honey," my Dad finally said one day, "why do you
...


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Four-by-Twos

Some men in a pickup truck drove to a lumber yard. One of the men walked
into the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go
check," and went back to the truck.

He...


---

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems...

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."



#joke #animal #bird #food #eating #wedding


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Three Little Pigs

Q. Why did the three little pigs decide to leave home?
A. They thought their father was an awful boar.



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The Heartfelt Greeting Card

Woman: "Do you have a greeting card which reads 'You are my first and last love'?"
Store keeper: "Yes ma'am, we do."
Woman: "Perfect! Give me 10 such cards!"



#joke #short


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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk" !! Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that,"
Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job,"
Says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus,"
Says the barman.
"The circus?"
Repeats the duck.
"That's right,"
Replies the barman.
"The circus?"
The duck asks again.
with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says
"What the hell would they want with a plasterer" ???



#joke #animal #food #sandwich #ham #drinks #beer


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A Man with Glasses

Never hit a man with glasses...
Use your fists instead.



#joke #short


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College Sports Quiz

A guy walks into a restaurant, orders a drink, and asks the waiter if he'd like to hear a good Notre Dame joke.

"Listen buddy," he growled. "See those 2 big guys on your left? They were both linemen on the Notre Dame football team. And that huge ...


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A young boy had just gotten his driving permit...

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it."

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"



#joke #father


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Dead End Street

I live on a dead end street.
It is electrically deficient.
There are no outlets!



#joke #short


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Barking

Your dog's barking at the back door. Your spouse's barking at the front. Who do you let in?

Well, it's your call, but the dog'll stop barking when you let him in.



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Wife Is Being Unfaithful

How can you tell if your wife is being unfaithful?
You move from Chicago to Seattle and you still have the same mailman.



#joke #short


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16 Yoga Jokes - to celebrate International Day of Yoga in 2024

The International Day of Yoga is a day in recognition of Yoga, that is celebrated across the world annually on June 21. Have some fun with Yoga jokes

Surveys show that 80% of women who wear yoga pants never do yoga …
And 100% of men don’t care.

My sister told me yoga is the best form of exercise in the world.
I said, "that's a bit of stretch."

They tried to kick me out of my yoga class the other day...
But I just told them "Nah'm'a stay."

What do you call an injury you get at yoga class?
Yoghurt.

My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.

I don't like people who do Yoga.
They're a bunch of posers if you aske me.

Pickup line: “Hey, were those yoga pants on sale?”.
“Because at my place, they’d be 100% off.”

What do you call a communist doing yoga?
Stretch Marx

Why are weightlifters so good at yoga?
They have great flex-ability

I told my yoga instructor I wanted to be able to do the splits.
She asked how flexible I was.
I told her I couldn't come on Tuesdays.

Yogi walked into Pizza place:
"Make me one with everything."
When the Yogi got the pizza, payed with a $20 bill.
The proprietor pocketed the bill.
The Yogi said:
"Don't I get change?"
The proprietor said:
"Change must come from within."

Why did the yogi start a gardening business?
To help people find their inner peas.

Why did the yoga teacher join a band?
Because she could really hit the high notes in Om.

What's a yogi's favorite car?
A: A Mercedes Bends!

What did the dyslexic cow say in yoga class?
Oooooom.

Why did the yoga instructor go to jail?
Because she refused to follow the stretch rules.




#joke #animal #cow #food #peas #pizza #sport #exercise


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Don't Forget The Mirror

A mother was taking a shower when her2 year old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so she ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that she had copies ...


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Ebon Moss-Bachrach on His First Emmy Win for The Bear and Getting Hit with an Adult Toy in Chicago

No body


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A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus...

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The young man replied, Well your Honor, it was like this : When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, “The Double Mint Twins are coming” and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, “Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling”, and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick”, and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, “Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident”, I just lost it.

“CASE DISMISSED !!"



#joke


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Tapas Jokes, to celebrate World Tapas Day

World Tapas Day, observed annually on the third Thursday of June, is an international holiday celebrating the small Spanish Tapa dish that is usually served with drinks. Check out Tapas Jokes

What did the dyslexic man order at the Italian restaurant? Tapas.

Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That’s not a miracle. That’s tapas.

Did you hear about the plant in Baton Rouge Louisiana thats been producing spanish food since the 11th century? It's a bayou tapas-tree.

How do we know that the Normans ate small portions of Spanish food? Because of the Bayeux Tapas Tray!

What did the Spanish keyboard say? Tapas .

A man walked into a bar and ordered a beer and two plates of tapas.
Another man walked into the bar and ordered 10 beers and 20 plates of tapas.
The barman said, "That's an order of magnitude!"

I got the roast duck at a fancy tapas place downtown...
Boy, the duck might have been small but its bill sure was big.

Girlfriend took me out for tapas today.
I kept repeating 'this is a great way tapas the time'
The look of annoyance on her face was growing.
So I told her if it's annoying just tell me tapas off.




#joke #food #bread #drinks #beer #short


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Definition of a Bachelor

What is the definition of a bachelor?
A man who doesn't have to leave the party just as he's beginning to enjoy himself.



#joke #short


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Housemaid demands a raise from the lady of the house

Lady: So, what do you have in mind?
Maid: I would like to have a ferrari, no?
Lady: Why in the 7 hells do you think you deserve that?!?
Maid: See, I cook way better than you
Lady: Says who?
Maid: Your husband! Also I do laundry better than you
Lady: And why do you think so?
Maid: Your Husband said it, Also I´m much better in bed than you are.
Lady: DOES MY HUSBAND ALSO SAID THAT??!
Maid: No Miss, but the gardener
Lady: ...Red or Yellow for the ferrari?



#joke


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Liam Dutton nails pronouncing Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch

No body


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Company Mergers

Companies are always consolidating. Here is some inside information about some potential mergers...

Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. Will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace

Polygram Records, ...


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Golf score

First golfer, Bill: "What was your score?"

Bob: "Seventy-two."

Bill: "That's not too bad at all!"

Bob: "Thanks! I hope I'll do better on the second hole."



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Model Stools

I was in Target the other day, shopping with a young lady
friend. We were walking past the furniture section where
there were several different models of bar stools on dis-
play. Next to them there was a sign that read: "All models
in stock now!"...


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25 Sushi jokes to celebrate International Sushi Day

June 18th is International Sushi Day! Have Sushi and some jokes!

My girlfriend hated my obsession with Japanese food.
Sushi left me.

Q: What is my preferred type of sushi?
A: Payroll.

Q: What did the sushi say to the bee?
A: Wasabi!

Q: What pan is the best to make sushi in?
A: Japan.

Q: How do sushi rolls apologize?
A: They “soy-rry.”

Q: Why don’t Wookies like sushi?
A: They think it’s a little Chewie.

Q: What do you call a mermaid in a wheelchair?
A: Sushi roll.

Q: What did the sushi say to the sushi chef?
A: “I’m on a roll!”

Q: HoW does Lady Gaga like her sushi?
A: Ra-ra-raw-raw Ra-ra-raw-raw.

Q: How do sushi rolls stay calm under pressure?
A: They practice “maki-ng” wise decisions.

Q: What kind of car did the famous sushi chef drive?
A: A Rolls Rice.

Q: Why didn’t the sushi chef want to talk about the restaurant accident?
A: Because it was still very raw.

Q: What’s a soldier’s favorite type of sushi?
A: A combat roll.

Q: Why was the sushi detained?
A: He seemed fishy.

Q: When asked why he enjoys being in a sushi roll, what did the fish respond?
A: “It makes Miso happy,” he remarked.

Q: What did the one sushi roll say to the other during a friendly dinner?
A: “We’re ‘soy’ good together!”

Q: Why did the sushi go to the beach?
A: Because it wanted to become a California roll!

Q: When does the sushi chef spread Nutella on top of the salmon roll?
A: When customers request salmonella!

Q: Why did the sushi roll down the hill?
A: Because it couldn’t roll up.

Q: Why do lions love sushi?
A: Because it's roar!

Q: What do you call sushi that’s on sale?
A: A raW deal.

I asked my mum to buy me some raw fish for tea...
Sushi did!

Sushi addicts never argue,
they just roll with it.

Q: What do you call sushi with a tie?
A: So-fish-ticated

Q: What did the sushi say to the traveler?
A: You can’t sushi the world without me!




#joke #animal #lion #fish #bee #food #dinner #rice #drinks #tea #short


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A traveling salesman's car breaks down way...

A traveling salesman's car breaks down way out in farm country late in the evening.

Luckily he's not too far from a quaint little farmhouse, so he goes and knocks on the door. The farmer and his wife answer the door, quite sympathetic to the salesman's plight.

They let him use their phone to call a tow company. Unfortunately the truck couldn't come out until morning, so the couple offer to let him stay with them overnight. They don't have a guest room, but their bed is large enough to fit three comfortably, so the salesman accepts gratefully.

A couple hours after going to bed, the wife turns to the salesman and whispers, "I want you!"

He answers, "But your husband is right there!"

She replies, "Pluck a hair from his butt. If he doesn't wake up, we can do it."

He plucks a hair; the farmer doesn't stir, and they quietly have sex.

A couple hours later, she says "I want you again!"

He plucks another hair from the farmer's butt, getting no reaction, so they have sex again.

Another couple hours later, she says, "I want you one last time before you go!"

And as the salesman reaches to pluck a hair, the farmer tiredly says, "Look, man, I don't mind if you do my wife, but could you please stop using my ass as a scoreboard?"



#joke


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An old man is at passport control in Paris

An old man is at passport control in Paris. He is going through his bag for his passport which he can't find. The irritated woman on passport control asks him 'Have you visited France before?'
'Yes' replied the old man.
Sarcastically she responds 'Well surely you should know to have your passport ready...' to which he answers 'I didn't have to show it last time'
'Impossible!!' she bellowed.
The old man looks her straight in the eye and says 'Last time, when I landed on D-Day on 6th June 1944, I couldn't find a fucking Frenchman to give it to'



#joke


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Mr. Aging

As Mr. Aging was browsing through an old newspaper, he read aloud to his wife a news item about men losing their memory cells faster than women do.
"It must be true," she said. "That's the second time you've read that article to me."




#joke #short


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A teen boy is buying a pack of condoms for the first time…

A teen boy is buying a pack of condoms for the first time.
He sees the price is $10 but when he goes to pay it the register rings it up as $10.65.
“What’s this 65 cents about?” He asks. The cashier says “it’s for the tax.”
“Ah. I was wondering how you keep these things on.”



#joke


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I've always wanted to start a company called...

I've always wanted to start a company called "Thank You for Calling How May I help You"

Then my receptionist will have to answer the phone like "Thank you for calling Thank You for Calling How May I Help You, how may I help you?"



#joke #short


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A man and a woman on a train

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping cabin on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a cabin, they went to bed, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, they were both still wide awake and they both knew it.
He said, "I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet under your bed to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. She added, "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"That's a great idea!", he said, now totally aroused.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own fucking blanket."
After a moment of silence, he farted and didn't care.



#joke


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Affordable Luxury

Customer: "I’m looking for something cheap but high quality."
Salesperson: "You’re in luck! This pen writes just like a $100 pen."
Customer: "How much is it?"
Salesperson: "$99.99."



#joke #short


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House of Representatives

After serving for several years in the House of Representatives, Charlie decided to run for a seat in the Senate.
A fellow congressman asked Charlie why he was making this change.
Charlie explained: "My wife wanted me out of the house."



#joke #short


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What does a Polish girl get on her wedding...

What does a Polish girl get on her wedding night that’s long and hard?
- New last name



#joke #short #wedding


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Prisoner Escaped

Two prison guards are changing shifts in the morning.
“You know that a prisoner ran off in the night?”
The other guard sighs, “Ah finally, no more of that dang hammering!”



#joke #short


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Are You Reading That?

I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper when a guy comes over and asks, "Are you reading that?"
I didn’t know what to say. So I said, "Yes."
I then stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.



#joke #short


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Fasten Seat Belts

Flying to Los Angeles from San Francisco the other day, a passenger noticed that the "Fasten Seat Belts" sign was kept lit during the whole journey although the flight was a particularly smooth one.

Just before landing, he asked the stewardess ...


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Desperate after three bad months of sales at Kentucky Fried Chicken

The famous Colonel called up the Pope and asks him for a favor. "What can I do for you?" Said the Pope. The Colonel said, "Holy father, I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do that, I swear I will donate $10 Million Dollars to the Vatican." The Pope replied, "I am very sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and it isn't something I can just change the words for." So the Colonel, disappointed, hung up.

After another month of bad sales, the Colonel panicked, and called again. "Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"

And the Pope responded, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words." So the Colonel gave up again. After two more months of terrible sales, the Colonel got desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican." The Pope replied, "Let me get back to you."

So the next day, the Pope called together all of his bishops and said, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican." The bishops rejoiced at the news. Then one asked about the bad news. The Pope replied: "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."



#joke #animal #chicken #food #bread #father


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Bear sits next to guy

No body


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Free Quotes

I saw a contractor's truck that offered free quotes.
So I asked for one.
He said, "To be or not to be, that is the question."



#joke #short


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Video

No body



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Anthony Joshua Shares Thoughts on Jake Paul vs. Mike Tyson | The Jonathan Ross Show

No body


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Aunt Chippy Gets Pranked at the Trophy Shop

No body


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During Commercial Break Jimmy Tries to Blow a Giant Bubble with The Roots’ Kamal Gray | Tonight Show

No body


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Vintage Joke from 1844 - Hilarious and Kind of Dark!

A somewhat dark but genuinely funny joke from 1844, related by Southern anti-slavery pastor J.M. Pendleton in his autobiography: There were two women on a boat, one of whom wished fresh air and the other did not. The name of their chambermaid was Tabitha. In the night the cry was heard, "Tabitha, raise the window; I shall be suffocated." Tabitha obeyed, but in a little while the other woman cried, "Tabitha, let down that window or the fresh air will kill me." Thus the thing went on with alternate demands that the window be opened and shut, till an ungallant man, not willing longer to have his sleep disturbed, cried out, "Tabitha, close that window till one of those women dies, and then open it till the other dies, and let us have some peace."



#joke


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Everyone Is Playing Golf

An office employee knowing his boss was off for the day transferred the office telephone to his own cell phone and took it with him to play golf.
The boss called and asked how everything was going and the employee said fine.
The boss then said, "Move a little faster then, will you, I'm in the foursome behind you."



#joke #sport #golf


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Memorial Day jokes for 2024

Observed on the last Monday in May every year, Memorial Day is a federal holiday in the United States that honors and remembers those who have died while serving in the military.
Enjoy these light-hearted jokes to add some fun to your Memorial Day!

Why did the soldier bring a ladder to the barbecue?
He wanted to raise the steaks!

What do army guys say when they forget Memorial Day?
Ah, shoot!

What is your favorite Memorial Day tradition?
Spilling BBQ sauce on white pants.

Which day do Alzheimer's patients forget?
Memorial Day.

A small boy was staring at the names on a wall.
The pastor explained,
"They are those who died in the service."
The boy asked,
"The 9 o'clock service or the 11 o'clock?"

What's a cow's favorite Memorial Day activity?
Going to the moo-vies!

Why are there no knock-knock jokes on Memorial Day?
Because freedom rings!

Did you hear about the man who got his car's AC fixed after Memorial Day?
He came back singing "Freon isn't Free."

Why don't soldiers play hide and seek on Memorial Day?
Because good luck hiding when everyone's off duty!

What is the best Memorial Day Sales pitch?
To remember the millions of brave soldiers who died for our country, we're giving you 30% off on all corduroy pants and toaster ovens.

What's the favorite thing about Memorial Day for employees?
Saying to co-workers, "See you next Tuesday."

What do army guys read on Memorial Day?
Magazine.

On Memorial Day, the teacher asked the students, "Do you know why God created wars?"
Someone among students: To teach us, geography?!

How can you offend a close relative of a fallen soldier on Memorial Day?
Wish them "Happy Memorial Day."

Do you know that The Air Force is the most patriotic arm of the US military?
Because they're USAF.

What fruit do soldiers hate?
The Pommegranade.

In the military, how do you refer to children?
Infantry.




#joke #doctor #monday #animal #cow #fruit #food #steak


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A beautiful princess comes upon a frog...

A beautiful princess comes upon a frog in a meadow near her castle. The frog hops into the princess' lap and says, "My lady, one kiss from you, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I once was, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set-up housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever be happy doing so."
That night, as the princess dines on lightly sauteed frog legs, she chuckles to herself, "I don't f**kin' think so."



#joke #animal #bear #frog #food #meal #mother


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