Anniversary Gift

She: "Sweetheart, what's your gift for our 25th anniversary?"

He: "A trip to Thailand."

She: "That's amazing! And what about when we hit our 50th anniversary?" she asked.

He: "That's when I come back to get you."




#joke #short


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Phone Issues

I just love it when you are at a play or movie theater and they make the announcement, "Please silence your cell phones..."
Why do they have to announce that?
I mean how many people are carrying around a landline phone?




#joke #short


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Good Pedigree

The lil' Columbia, Maryland Yuppette was shopping in an upscale pet center. "I want a dog of which I can be proud," she told the salesman. "Does that one have a good pedigree?"

"Miss," declared the clerk, "if she could speak, she wouldn't talk to...


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Home Videos - SNL

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Honest Trailers | Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom

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Conan O'Brien | Irish Homecoming, Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral performance | The Late Late Show

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Jimmy Kimmel Pranks Guillermo on His Birthday

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Kenan Thompson Brings Back Science Fiction Author Alter Ego Pernice Lafonk

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Cup Holder

Caller: Hello, is this the Help Line?

HelpLine: Yes, it is. How may I help you?

Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?

HelpLine: I'm sorry, but did you say a cup ...


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Feline Physics

Law of Cat Inertia - A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion - A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a ...


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Expensive Doctor

A young woman wasn't feeling well, and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician.

"I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that."

The ...


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For The Kids...

What happened to the skeleton that was attacked by a dog?
He ran off with some bones and didn't leave him with a leg to stand on!

Where does the werewolf sit in the cinema?
Anywhere he wants to!

How do ghosts like their drinks?
Ice ghoul!

What'...


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Growing Older Is

- Your back goes out more than you do.

- A fortune teller offers to read your face.

- You turn out the lights for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.

- You remember this week that last week was your wedding anniversary.

- You are ...


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Brad Meltzer on His Daughter Not Caring to Meet Seth and Ruth Bader Ginsburg Calling Him

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News Smash: Trump Leads Republican Nominees, NFL Playoffs, Boeing Investigation | The Tonight Show

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Snoop Dogg on Who He Wants to Get High With, Hanging with Oppenheimer Cast & Dionne Warwick Scolding

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Chemist's Joke

Q: Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak?

A: Because it's in the ground state.



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No Bills Larger Than $20

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.

There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."

The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD...


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55

Policeman: "When I saw you coming around the corner, I said to myself, `fifty-five at least.'"

Woman driver: "Well, you are a long way off! It's this hat that makes me look so old!"

Rate this Joke



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Actual Answers From Students On Music Exams

- The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna.

- Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines.

- Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.

- All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know ...


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Chow Time

One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, "There are three rules in this mess hall:...


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Gordon Ramsay Made Carey Mulligan's Brother An Angry Sandwich | The Jonathan Ross Show

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An American in England

An American visiting in England asked at the hotel for the elevator.

The portiere looked a bit confused but smiled when he realized what the man wanted.

"You must mean the lift," he said.

"No," the American responded. "If I ask for the elevator...


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Chrissy Teigen & David Chang on Meeting, Chrissy’s Bedtime Eating Habits & Kids Being Picky Eaters

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Alaska Airlines Ad - SNL

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Car Sale

Judi tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles.

One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at a salon. Her friend told her, "There is a possibility to make the car ...


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Dr. Henry Louis Gates Jr. on Finding Your Roots, Mentoring Jodie Foster and His Simpsons Cameo

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Sarahrella

After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah started using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she was a fairy godmother. "Make three wishes," she told her mother, "and I'll grant them."

Her mom first asked for world peace. Sarah...


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The Dalmation

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.

The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.


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Four-Word Story

Four-word story of employment: Hired, tired, mired, fired.



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Noisy Neighbors

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye was admitted to Oxford University, and was now living in his first year of residence there. His clan was very excited that one of their own had made it into the upper class of education, but were concerned ...


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15 Funny Space

Why didn't the sun go to university?
Because it already has a million degrees.

How does the moon cut its hair?
Eclipse it.

Why weren't the astronauts hungry when they arrived in space?
Because they had a big launch.

My kid is really obsessed with the moon.
I'm hoping it's just a phase.

Why doesn't Saturn ever go to the jewellery store?
Because it already has enough rings!

Why did the sun go to school?
To get a little brighter!

Why couldn't the astronaut book a hotel on the moon?
Because it was full!

Birthday parties in space are the worst. Why?
Because they have no atmosphere.

Did you hear Einstein came up with a theory about space?
Well, it's about time!

What did Mars say to Saturn?
Give me a ring sometime.

How do you get a baby astronaut to sleep?
Rocket.

What did the astronaut say when he crashed into the moon?
I Apollo-gize.

What kind of money is used for trading in outer space?
Starbucks.

Why did the star get arrested?
Because it was a shooting star!

Why did the astronaut break up with her boyfriend?
Because she needed some space.




#joke #short


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A Genius Solution

I put my root beer in a square glass...
Now it's just beer.




#joke #short #beer


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For The Kids...

What do witches eat at Halloween?
Spooketti, halloweenies, devils food cake and booberry pie!

What's Dracula's car called?
A mobile blood unit!

What do you call a hairy beast with clothes on?
A wear-wolf!

Why did the witch go over the mountain?...


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Winter Wit: Midweek Laughs to Warm You Up for Friday Fun with 31 jokes

Which one is faster: hot or cold?
Hot. You can catch a cold.

Why is the slippery ice like music?
If you don't C sharp - you'll B flat!

What's an ig?
A snow house without a loo!

What do you call a snowman with abs?
An abdominal snowman.

How does a snowman get to work?
By icicle

What did the wool hat say to the scarf?
You hang around while I go on ahead.

What do snowmen win at the Olympics?
Cold medals!

How do polar bears make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.

What do you call a snowman’s dog?
A slush puppy!

"Knock, knock!" "Who's there?" "Freeze." "Freeze who?"
"Freeze a jolly good fellow, freeze a jolly good fellow..."

"Knock, knock!" "Who's there?" "Icy." "Icy who?”
"Icy a long cold winter coming!"

"Knock, knock!" "Who's there?" "Snow." "Snow who?"
"Snowbody home."

What kind of math does a Snowy Owls like?
Owlgebra.

What did the ocean say to the bergy bits?
Nothing. It just waved.
(That's an old joke from the Ice Age.)

What sits on the bottom of the cold Arctic Ocean and shakes?
A nervous wreck.

Tip 1:
No matter how cold you are, DO NOT attempt to build a fire in a kayak! You can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Tip 2:
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.

What food do you get when you cross a snowman with a wolf?
A brrrr-grrr.

What did the icy road say to the car?
“Want to go for a spin?”

Did you hear about the man buried alive under a sudden snowstorm?
He was feeling under the weather.

Why is Frosty never late?
Time waits for snow man.

What’s the scariest part of owing Santa money?
He snows where you live.

Where’s the warmest place in the South Pole?
On a map.

How did the snow globe feel after listening to a scary story?
A bit shaken up!

What do you call a snowman that plays piano?
Meltin’ John.

What do you call a snowman without a carrot?
Nobody nose.

I warned him about starting his own ski resort.
It’s a slippery slope

Who delivers the Christmas presents to baby sharks?
Santa Jaws

It was so cold outside that I saw a Greyhound bus, and the dog was riding on the inside.

Why is it hard to ski after a fresh snow?
With great powder comes great responsibility.

Did you hear about the politicians whose best speeches were outdoors in the winter?
He could really turn a freeze.




#joke #christmas #short


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A Preacher Buys a Parrot

A preacher is buying a parrot.

"Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" asked the preacher.

"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him.

"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he ...


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A Scots Pessimist

A Scots pessimist is a man who feels badly when he feels good for fear he'll feel worse when he feels better.



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Common Knowledge - Saturday Night Live

No body


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Hubble Photograph of Distant Galaxies Colliding

The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble photograph of distant galaxies colliding. Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution ...


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Evil Lessons

My wife has evil lessons with Satan every week...
I don’t know how much she charges.




#joke #short


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Problem Teacher

Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?"
Student: "A serious drinking problem."





#joke #short


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I'm Still Standing!

With Elton John being 76, now when you hear him saying "I'm Still Standing!"

That means he's waiting for someone to bring him a chair.




#joke #short


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Andrew Scott Dishes on Being Fleabag's Hot Priest and Filming All of Us Strangers

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Bill Burr Doesn't Want to Rescue a Dog | Late Night with Conan O’Brien

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Broken

On a visit to Boston, I noticed a parking meter with a paper sack over it upon which was written: "Broken."

A skeptical parking officer removed the bag, inserted a quarter in the meter and turned the dial. It worked perfectly. As the officer ...


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