Impressions

A wealthy man commissioned Pablo Picasso to paint a portrait of his wife. Startled by the nonrepresentational image on the final canvas, the woman's husband complained, "It isn't how she really looks."

When asked by the painter how she really ...


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Lost an Ear

There where two men in a bulding site. One of them said, "Can you help me find my ear"

The other man said, "Is this it"

The first man replied, "No, mine has got a pencil behind it"



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An Atheist's Holiday

An atheist became incensed over Christmas holiday preparations. He filed a lawsuit about the constant celebrations given to Christians and Jews while atheists had no holiday to celebrate. The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the long, passionate presentation by the atheist's lawyer, the judge banged his gavel and declared, "Case dismissed!"The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling. "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter, and many other observances. Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur, and Hanukkah. Yet, my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!"The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said, "Obviously, your client is too confused to know about, much less celebrate, his own atheist holiday!" The lawyer pompously said, "Your honor, we are unaware of any such holiday for atheists. Just when might that holiday be?" The judge replied, "Well, it comes every year on exactly the same date. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, if your client says there is no God then, according to the Bible, he is a fool. April Fool's Day is his holiday. Now, get out of my courtroom!"-



#joke #lawyer #christmas #aprilfoolsday


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Parrot Talk

An English professor complained to the pet shop proprietor, "The parrot I purchased uses improper language."
"I'm surprised," said the owner. "I've never taught that bird to swear."
"Oh, it isn't that," explained the professor. "But yesterday I heard him split an infinitive."




#joke


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I've Got One of Them

A rookie was calling up his station on his pocket radio.
“I’m outside the Plaza Mall,” he reported. “A man has been robbed. I’ve got one of them.”
“Which one?” asked the operator.
“The one that was robbed.”



#joke #short


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Spelling Lesson

Little Johnny wasn't very good at spelling. During an oral spelling exam, the teacher wrote the word "new" on the blackboard.
"Now," she asked Johnny, "what word would we have if we placed a 'K' in the front?"
After a moment's reflection, Johnny said, "Canoe?"



#joke


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Muppets Tonight S2 E1 P2 3 The Artist Formerly Known As Prince

An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."

"Why not?" he asks.

She answers back, "Because I'm dead."

The husband says, "What are you talking...


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I Want To Become A Politician

"Dad, I want to become a politician," said Jim.
His father asked, "And what are you doing to become one?"
"Nothing, dad."
"Good, you're halfway there then."




#joke #short


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How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces pt. 4

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the ...


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Going To A Nude Beach

My friend bought a bus pass to a nude beach.
It turned out to be a ticket to no wear.




#joke #short


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Gorilla Bar

A gorilla walks into a bar. The bartender comes up to him and asks him what he wants. "A scotch on the rocks, please." He then lays a ten-dollar bill on the bar.

The bartender takes the money and goes to fix the gorilla's drink. He thinks to ...


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Marry Me

An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes".

The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no...


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Space Saver

A friend of mine had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they would take up less room.



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Army Cadet

A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave."

The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir! I promised myself that when I...


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Brain Transplant

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The ...


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Battling Egos

A bishop, a judge, and a conductor were discussing
their careers, and got into an argument about which
of them was the greatest.

The judge said, "When I step into the courtroom,
everyone stands to pay me respect."

The bishop said, "They stand? I...


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Hospital Report

An elderly gentleman was reading his recovery-room
record at the hospital where I work.

He looked quite concerned at one notation.

"I know I was in a bit of a muddle, but I didn't realize
I was that bad," he said to me apologetically. "I hope
I...


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Ramón Rodríguez on Will Trent Season Three, Having a Fan Club & No One Knowing His Actual Birthday

No body


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Bruce Willis Stops By With Demi Moore in the Audience | Carson Tonight Show

No body


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Early Marx Brothers Comedy Act Revealed! | Groucho Marx | The Dick Cavett Show

No body


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Get That Boy Back ft. Chris Stapleton - SNL

No body


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Army Brat vs. Navy Brat

An Army brat was boasting about his father to a Navy brat.

"My dad is an engineer. He can do everything. Do you know the Alps?"

"Yes," said the Navy brat.

"My dad has built them."

Then the naval kid spoke: "And do you know the Dead Sea?"

"Yes...


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For The Kids...

Where do ants go to eat?
At a restaurant!

What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes?
Antteneye!

What do you call an and with frogs legs?
An antphibian!

What kind of ants are very learned?
Pedants!

What do you call a smart ant?
Elegant!
...


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Eddie Eagle | Full Frontal with Samantha Bee | TBS

There were 11 people - ten men and one woman - hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter.

They all decided that one person should get off, because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die.

No one could decide who ...


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Rabbit Save

One day a man was driving down the road in a hot red convertable. He was driving 15 mph when a rabbit hopped in front of his car. As the man swerved the rabbit swerved also and was run over. The man got out of the car and started crying, upset ...


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Rookie Pitcher

A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked out to have a talk with him.

"I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw. "You always seem to lose control at the same point in every game."

"When is that?" ...


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Chemical Plant Fire

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company ...


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Eggplants

A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25 each -- three for a dollar."

All day long, customers came in exclaiming:
"Don't be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"

Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants. The ...


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Opposites

The aspiring student psychiatrists from various colleges were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from the University of Houston, "What is the opposite of joy?"...


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Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Roasts Conan | Conan O'Brien Needs A Friend

No body


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Pigeons

But baby pigeon said, "I can't make
it; I'll get too tired." His mother
said, "Don't worry; I'll tie a piece
of string to one of your legs and
the other end to mine."

The baby started to cry.

"What's wrong?" said the mother.

"I don't want to ...


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Papyrus 2 - SNL

No body


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Lawyer Humor

You Know You Need A New Lawyer When:

- The prosecutor sees your lawyer in the hall, and they
high-five each other.

- During your initial consultation he tries to sell you
Amway.

- He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."

...


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Two Whales

Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says, "EOOOOOHAHHHHHMMMM-MMUUUUUUUUUOOOAAAAAAUUUU..."
The second whale turns to the first and says, "Frank, what the hell is wrong with you?"




#joke #short


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A Married Couple

Tom was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the
table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an
article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry
a football player who was known primarily for his lack of
IQ and ...


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Cat sitting- Colour Special!

No body


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Fast Drinker

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, ...


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Dating Vs. Marriage

Dating is like traveling on a bicycle. If you don’t like the journey, you can get off anytime.
Marriage is like traveling by airplane. Once you’re in, you can’t get off that easy.




#joke #short


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Short jokes for sunny Tuesday

Why is "dark" spelled with a "k" and not a "c"?
Because you can't C in the dark!;

A recent study has shown that women who carry extra weight,
tend to live longer
than the men who mention it!

I was so confused last night, as my printer was playing music.
Turns out my paper was just jamming.

Guys I need your help. In the middle of an argument with the wife she told me that I'm right…
What the hell do I do next?

I knew it was bad news when my friend said "you know our favorite dentist…"
I had to brace myself.

I don’t know if tampons are the best invention ever..
…but they’re definitely up there!

My doctor ordered me to take a blood test...
I got an A-. Not too bad.

Can a ninja throw a star?
SHUR-HE-CAN.

If you were born legs first,
for a small moment you were wearing your mum as a hat!

Liverpool police stopped a car & were amazed to find it taxed,
full MOT & insured.
It wasn't stolen, there were no stolen goods or drugs.
The driver was sober & had a full clean licence...
A police spokesman said,
"We had no option but to fine him £80 for wasting police time!"

Guy driving along the highway at 70mph,
sees a chicken running along side keeping up.
Crazy enough the chicken has three legs! Punches it to 80,
chicken stays with it then cuts off down a country road.
Guy follows it into the driveway of a farm, sees the farmer.
"Did you see a three legged chicken speed in here"?
"Yeah that's mine.
I breed them that way because me, my wife, and my son all like drumsticks"
the farm tells the driver.
"Wow that's amazing how do they taste?" the guy asks.
"Dunno"
said the farmer "never caught one before".




#joke #doctor #short


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Are you a true elementary school teacher?

Are you a true elementary school teacher? Let's find out:

1. Do you ask guests if they have remembered their scarves and mittens as they leave your home?

2. Do you move your dinner partner's glass away from the edge of the table?

3. Do you ask ...


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Betty White’s Elephant Loves Johnny | Carson Tonight Show

No body


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Common Tools Explained

To the unitiated, the workshop can be an intimidating place, full of tools you may not know what to do with. To help, here's a helpful explanation of common tools and their uses.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching ...


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Edwin and Cheryl

Edwin and Cheryl had married under none too happy circumstances, and their married life had not been anything to brag about either. But when, after they had been lived together for thirty-five years, Edwin went to the local judge to ask for an ...


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Google Translate Sings: "Hello" by Adele

Little Tony was so happy to see his grandmother that he ran up and gave her a big hug. "I'm so happy to see you, grandma. Now daddy will have to do that trick he's been promising to do!"

His grandmother was curious. "What trick is that, sweetie?"...


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Dax Shepard on Traveling to India with Bill Gates, Avoiding the Dentist & Pumping His Daughter Up

No body


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For The Kids...

Why did the spider buy a car?
So he could take it out for a spin!

What does a spider do when he gets angry?
He goes up the wall!

What would happen if tarantulas were as big as horses?
If one bit you, you could ride it to hospital!

Why are ...


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Jimmy Announces the Books That Have Advanced to the Final Four of Fallon Book Club | Tonight Show

No body


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Jimmy Kimmel Mansplains to Hillary Clinton

Doctor Doctor I think I'm a moth.
So why did you come around then?
Well, I saw this light at the window...!

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee.
Have you tried taking the spoon out?

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a ...


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Definitions

The Washington Post asked readers to take any word from the dictionary... alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter... and supply a new definition!

1) Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it ...


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Field Test

My father, an Army major, was conducting a field test when communications went dead. Immediately, he jumped into a jeep and ordered a sergeant to speed to the command station.

When my father and the sergeant ran in, the group cheered their ...


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