Post Turtle

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, whose hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to one of the political candidates.

The old ...


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Quality Person

After a long career of being blasted into a net, the human cannonball was tired. He told the circus owner he was going to retire.

"But you can't!" protested the boss. "Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?"



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Failed hydro dam

Egypt's failed hydro dam,
aka the Joule of Denial.




#joke #short


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Baby, Maybe

On a visit to the zoo, a small 3 year old boy passes the stork exhibit and looks up at the birds intently.
As his family then moves on, he turns to his father and says, "Gee Daddy, they didn't even recognize me."




#joke #short


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Ice Cream Humor

Q. How do astronauts eat their ice creams?
A. In floats

Q: How do you make a dinosaur float?
A: Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer and add one dinosaur!

Q: What do you get from an Alaskan cow ?
A: Ice Cream

Q: What do you get if ...


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Have some fun with 'addicted' jokes

I'm addicted to seaweed.
I must seek kelp.

My friend is addicted to drinking ink.
It's a dyer situation.

I've been reading a book on anti-gravity, and now I'm addicted.
I can't put it down!

I used to be addicted to eating soap.
But I'm clean now.

I have an addiction to cheddar cheese,
although it's only mild.

Sat next to a fruit machine addict at a gamblers anonymous meeting last night, It was awful!..
He kept nudging me.

A bunch of batteries were gathering around in a circle.
I guess they were having an AA-meeting.

They say one in every seven friends have a gambling addiction.
My money's on Dave.

I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts.
I won't lie, it was a Rocky Road.

m embarrassed to say I got addicted to shoplifting but only from the bottom shelves in the supermarket.
How could I stoop so low?

I've been addicted to cold turkey for 2 years.
I keep telling people I'm trying to quit cold turkey but nobody is taking me seriously.

Got home and someone has stolen all the bits of carpets and the mats.
Police think it was the work of rug addicts.




#joke #short #


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Bumper Snickers pt. 3

... continued from above

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER

There's too much blood in my caffeine system.

Continued below...



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Politician's Sandwich

On the Listening Tour, a prominent politician was pleased and proud that the local sandwich shop in a town he was visiting had named a sandwich after him. He was somewhat less pleased after he found out what was in it. "Mostly baloney," said the proprietor. #joke Read more on page
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Signs You Have Had Too Much Of The 90's pt. 2

... continued from above Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records your college roommate used to play that you most despised. Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom of the screen. You buy a computer and a ... ---

5 short jokes for great Friday

I hired a lawyer to sue the airlines for mishandling my luggage. He lost the case. Vegetarians think eating animals is immoral But eating mushrooms is morel How do you make an eggroll? You push it! What day do eggs hate the most? Fry-day How do eggs run so fast? They’re afraid of being beaten #joke #lawyer #friday Read more on page
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Cat's Meow

I took my cat’s meds by accident... Don’t ask meow. #joke #short Read more on page
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More Things I'd Like to Hear, Just Once

From a store clerk: "The computerized cash register is down. I'll just add up your purchases with a pencil and paper." "I'll take a break after I finish waiting on these customers." "We're sorry we sold you defective merchandise. We'll pick ... ---

Diner

A man walked into a restaurant in a strange town. The waiter came and asked him for his order. Feeling lonely, he replied, "Meat loaf and a kind word." When the waiter returned with the meat loaf, the man said, "Where's the good word?" The ... ---

Cowboy Musicians

Four cowboys are sitting on a mountain one night having a few cold ones around a campfire. One is a tuba player, one a trumpet player, one a conductor, and the last a coloratura soprano. The tuba player tosses an empty can of Budweiser into ... ---

Little Johnny & the Devil

A Sunday school teacher asked Little Johnny, "Do you believe in the Devil?" "No," said Little Johnny. "It's the same as Santa Claus. I know it's my daddy." ---

Don Knotts & Mel Torme | At The Hospital | Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour

No body ---

Philosophical Message

If a telephone rings in an empty room and no one is there to answer it, was there really a phone call? Help me investigate this phenomenon by leaving your name and number after the tone. ---

The teacher wrote on the blackboard ...

The teacher wrote on the blackboard: "I ain't had no fun in months," then asked the class, "How should I correct this sentence?" Little Johnny raised his had and replied, "Get yourself a new boyfriend." ---

Welsh Valley Doctor pt. 2

... continued from above One of the patients moves towards the trolley in a purposeful manner addressing the haggis, Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face, Great chieftain o the puddin'-race! Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or ... ---

Car Trouble

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have ... ---

Dollar Equals Ten Cents

Theorem: 1$ = 10 cent Proof: We know that $1 = 100 cents Divide both sides by 100 $ 1/100 = 100/100 cents => $ 1/100 = 1 cent Take square root both side => squr($1/100) = squr (1 cent) => $ 1/10 = 1 cent Multiply both side by 10 => $1 = ---

7 short jokes to make Friday even better

As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, "You know, one would have been enough." Bread is a lot like the sun. It rises in the yeast, and sets in the waist. My doctor told me to watch my drinking, so I'm off to find a bar with a mirror! Why do most people write with their right hand? Because they don't want to write with the wrong hand. Which celebrity is always ready for cereal? Reese, with her spoon I can't believe someone broke into my house and stole all of my fruit. I am peachless! To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now! #joke #doctor #friday Read more on page
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Radios

NED: I think all radios are sexist. ED: Why's that? NED: Because, I AM/FM-inist! #joke #short Read more on page
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Nursing Home Wedding

A rabbi was called to a Miami Beach Nursing Home to perform a wedding. An anxious old man met him at the door. The rabbi sat down to counsel the old man and asked several questions. "Do you love her?" The old man replied, "I guess." "Is she a ... ---

Honeymoon Is Over

Husband: "Now that we are married, perhaps I might venture to point out a few of your little defects." Wife: "Don't bother, dear. I'm quite aware of them. It was those little defects that prevented me from getting a much better man than you." #joke #short Read more on page
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Few funny short jokes

My plan for tomorrow is to go with the wife to get us both some new glasses… After that, we'll see! I helped my neighbour this morning and she said to me, "I could marry you." I couldn't believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return A girl agreed to go out with me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water... Schwepped her off her feet! Did you hear about the bloke that always got angry when he was out of bread for breakfast? He was lack-toast intolerant! #joke #short Read more on page
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Devo on Mike Douglas Show 1980

No body ---

Cost of Drinks

Four retired guys are walking down a street in Milwaukee. They turn a corner and see a sign that says "Old Timer's Bar" " ALL DRINKS 10 CENTS!" They look at each other, and then go in. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the ... ---

Last Words

Old Harry was on his deathbed. He raised himself on one elbow and beckoned to his wife. "Doris", he whispered, "you were with me through the Great Depression." "Yes Harry." "Doris, you were with me through the worst droughts in the fifties ... ---

Drugs

I think my wife is selling drugs! Yesterday I was running a little bit late for work and the phone rang. I answered it. Before I could say anything a male voice on the line said, Hey honey is that dope gone yet? ---

Changing the Answers

The answer to the problem was "log(1+x)". A student copied the answer from the student next to him, but didn't want to make it obvious that he was cheating, so he changed the answer slightly, to "timber(1+x)". ---

Camping in the woods

I went camping in the woods, but my tent smelled like feet. It was a big musky toe problem. #joke #short Read more on page
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Inheritance

A man went to his lawyer and stated, "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it." The lawyer said, "No problem, leave it all to me." The man looked somewhat upset as he said, "Well, I knew you were going to take ... ---

New Commonplace Words

Aquadextrous (adj.) Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form ... ---

Political Conference

Arriving late for a political conference, the college student asks another student standing by the door, "How long has the candidate been talking now?" "Half an hour." "And what is he talking about?" "That I wouldn't know, he hasn't said." #joke Read more on page
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Mississippi Blues

How does a hippie polygamist count his wives? 1 Mrs. hippie... 2 Mrs. hippie... 3 Mrs. hippie... #joke #short Read more on page
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Don Rickles gives it to Leno

No body ---

Jimmy Buffett Messed Up "Margaritaville" in Front of Johnny Carson on the Tonight Show

No body ---

Cold Water Cleaning

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like... ---

Funny Quotes?

"Addidas is coming out with a new $250 smart running shoe. This shoe is so smart it makes you spend $250 on it!" --Jay Leno --- "Today I was walking through Central Park and I saw a tourist get carried off by a cicada." --David Letterman -... ---

Rules for Kicking Tail pt. 4

... continued from above 11. Last, but not least, whether or not you become a member of the military, support our troops and their families. Every Thanksgiving and religious holiday that you enjoy with family and friends, please remember that ... ---

14 Cat jokes

What's a cat's favorite book? The Great Cats-by. What's a cat's favorite day of the week? Cat-urday. Why did the cats ask for a piano? They wanted to make mew-sic. What’s a cat’s favorite cereal? Mice crispies. What’s a cat’s favorite TV show? Claw and Order. If your cat was an artist, what would they paint? Paw-traits. What's a cat’s favorite color? Purr-ple. If cats taught school, what would they be called? Purr-fessors. What's a cat's favorite food? Paw-sta. What do you call a cat who loves to bowl? An alley cat. How did the lazy kittens work on their school project? They put in the bare mew-nimum. What's every kitten’s favorite movie? The Little Purr-maid. What's a cat’s favorite dessert? Chocolate mouse. Why don’t cats like online shopping? They prefer cat-alogues. #joke Read more on page
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Christmas in July on the Tonight Show

No body ---