Warnings vs. Errors

The boy is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.

The girl gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"

The boy replies back: "Darling, ...


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Finding Her Place

On her way back from the concession stand, Julie asked a man at the end of the row, "Pardon me, but did I step on your foot a few minutes ago?"

Expecting an apology, the man said, "Indeed you did."

Julie nodded, and noted, "Oh good. Then this is...


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Jessica Biel's Drunken New Year's Eve Plans | Letterman

No body


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Leaving Work Early

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a
female boss who always goes home early.

"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll
never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the ...


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Nipped In the Bud

I saw a coupon for a discount on a vasectomy.
I clipped it.




#joke #short


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Knock Knock! Who's There?

Waddle.

Waddle who?

Waddle you give me if I go away?



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Police Officer in Bed

What happens when a police officer gets into bed?
He becomes an undercover cop.




#joke #short


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Amy Poehler Shares That Her New Year's Resolution Is to Start a Cult

No body


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Biggest feet in the third grade

Ole's neighbor Sven had a boy, Sven Junior, who came home one day and asked, "Papa, I have da biggest feet in da third grade. Is dat becoss I'm Norvegian?"

"No," said Sven, "It's because you're NINETEEN."



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Jar 47

A new doctor had arrived in town. He could cure anything and anybody. Everyone was amazed with what he could do - everyone except for Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic.

Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he ...


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He Knows

As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one. "No problem," I said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate.
"You can't do that," argued my four-year-old.
"Don't worry. Santa will never know."
He shot me a look. "So he knows if I've been bad or good, but he doesn't know if you dropped a cookie on the floor?"




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Merry Christmas! Jokes To Lighten Up Christmas Mood

Multi-colored lights are the Crocs of Christmas lights.
Frank Lowe @GayAtHomeDad

What did the wise men say after they offered up their gifts of gold and frankincense?
Wait, there's myrrh.

What do you call Santa when he stops moving?
Santa Pause.

What song does Beyonce like to perform during the holidays?
All the Jingle Ladies.

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Snow.
Snow who?
Snow time to waste. It's almost Christmas!

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time for Christmas cookies!

Merry Christmas! Lot more Christmas jokes in our Christmas jokes collection




#joke #short #christmas


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CBS Mailbag: Dave's Extreme Eggnog Tradition | Letterman

No body


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Ncuti Gatwa Reenacts His Iconic Line | The Graham Norton Show

No body


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Age, by George Carlin

-- Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

-- "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never...


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First Offense

The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs.

"Now don't let ...


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Make women happy - Demerit Point System explained

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes, and you get points.

Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects.

Sorry, that's ...


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Winter is here! Collection of 76 Winter Jokes

1. Why did the snowman hold up his arms?
He was told to freeze.

2. What did the black ice ask the car?
Wanna go for a spin?

3. How do you know when a snowman is scared?
He's sitting in yellow snow.

4. What did the mitten say to the hand?
I've got you covered.

5. Why did the reindeer have a limp?
He took a snowfall.

6. What's the difference between ice and icicle?
Ice has noel.

7. Why is a sled always discouraged?
It's continuously on a downward slide.

8. What do you call a cold thief?
A brrrr-glar.

9. Why was there a puddle in front of the fireplace?
A snowman was trying to warm himself.

10. What is the purpose of bundling up?
Anti-freeze.

11. How does Jack Frost keep warm?
With a thick blanket of snow.

Christmas is almost here, check out Christmas jokes in our Christmas jokes collection

12. Why did the snowman leave?
He had a meltdown.

13. What happens when you catch a cold?
You get cabin fever.

14. Where does a snowman store his cash?
In a snowbank.

15. What is the best way to build a snow fort?
I-gloo it together.

16. Why does Frosty's wife look so young?
She uses cold cream on her face.

17. What happens when a mosquito lands on a snowman?
He gets frostbite.

18. Why did the two snowmen part ways?
One was just too flaky.

19. When is an igloo a bad investment?
During global warming.

20. What are little snowmen called?
Chill-dren.

21. What is a snowman's favorite breakfast cereal?
Frosted Flakes.

22. When does winter begin?
When autumn leaves.

23. How did the snowman get flattened?
Instead of his usual snow shower, he went for an avalanche.

24. Why are polar bears so big?
Because they snack on ice cream and snow cones.

25. How does a snowman lose weight?
He drinks only hot chocolate.

26. What has the best chance of surviving a fall?
Snow.

27. How does Jack Frost stay so thin?
He only eats iceberg lettuce.

28. How does Santa like his cookies?
With lots of ice-ing.

29. What fish do you catch in the winter?
Frozen fish sticks.

30. Why should you invite an ice fisherman to your party?
To help break the ice.

31. What is sure to stop a snowball fight?
A hail storm.

32. How does a snowman travel through town?
On bi-cicle.

33. Who is Frosty's favorite aunt?
Aunt Artica.

34. Why was the snowman looking through the carrots?
He was picking his nose.

35. What do you call a hot-tempered snowman?
A puddle.

36. How did the man feel after being buried under the avalanche?
A bit under the weather.

37. How did the snowman know he was getting sick?
He had the chills.

38. What type of beer is served in Iceland?
Only drafts.

39. How do mountain tops handle the cold?
They put on their snow caps.

40. What's easy to catch and hard to get rid of?
A cold.

41. Knock, knock. Who's there? Snow. Snow who?
Snow body.

42. When will you see snowmen dance?
At a snowball.

43. What did the snowman's wife put over the baby crib?
A snowmobile.

44. What gift should you never give a snowman?
An electric blanket.

45. How do you know when you have angered a snowman?
You'll get the cold shoulder.

46. What do you call a reindeer without eyes?
I have no eye deer.

47. What did a police officer ask a suspect in the Arctic?
Where were you the night of September to March?

48. What do you call 5 snowshoe hares bouncing backward in the snow?
A receding hare line.

49. Who protects snowmen?
Snow angels.

50. Why should you wear a helmet during a hail storm?
So you don't get knocked out cold.

51. Why are snowmen so well-behaved?
They don't want to end up in the greenhouse.

52. What did the scarf say to the hat?
You go on ahead and I'll just hang around.

53. How do snowmen get smarter?
From the winternet.

54. What do the elves eat for lunch in the North Pole?
Cold cuts and chilly.

55. What did one snowflake say to another?
Let's stick together.

56. How can you tell when a snowman is embarrassed?
He begins to slush.

57. What song do you sing to honor a snowman?
Freeze a jolly good fellow.

58. What is the elf's favorite time at the workshop?
Snow and tell.

59. How do you defend yourself against a snowman?
With a heat gun.

60. What do you call a snapshot from the North Pole?
A polaroid.

61. Why is it easy to build a blonde snowman?
It's made up of flakes.

62. What do trees say after winter is over?
What a re-leaf!

63. Why do polar bears live by themselves?
They like the ice-olation.

64. Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot. You can easily catch a cold.

65. What do you call a penguin in the city?
Lost.

66. What does a snowman take when he's afraid of melting?
A chill pill.

67. What dilemma does a snowman with achy muscles have?
Wondering whether or not IcyHot rub is a good idea.

68. Why do reindeer have fur?
Because snowsuits don't fit them.

69. What are the chances of a white Christmas?
Pretty good. It's Decembrrrrr.

70. What happens when you cross a wizard with a blizzard?
You get a cold spell.

71. Why do ski socks never make plans?
They're afraid they'll get cold feet.

72. How do you stay warm in any room during the winter?
Go into a corner. It's always 90 degrees.

73. How do you get a snowman to disappear?
Give him a warm hug.

74. What happens when you ask Santa for money?
He leaves cold hard cash.

75. Why did the orchestra set up in the snow?
They wanted to play "cool jazz."

76. How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed?
You wake up wet!




#joke #short #blonde #christmas #beer


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Who Needs A Parachute

You do not need a parachute to go skydiving...
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.




#joke #short


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A Good Bottle of Wine

Question: How much should I spend on a really good bottle of wine?
Half an hour?
Twenty minutes?





#joke #short


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Christmas Memo

CORPORATE MEMO

To: All Staff
Date: December 1
Subject: New "Twelve Days of Christmas" Policy

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about ...


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Christmas and Hallowen

Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up?

Because DEC 25 = OCT 31



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"The Indict-Mare Before Christmas" A Late Show Animated Holiday Classic Narrated By Liam Neeson

No body


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Gary Gulman Reveals the Joke He Has for Comedians Who Do Crowd Work

No body


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Homer Simpson Conducts Conan’s TBS Exit Interview - CONAN on TBS

No body


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Mistakes...

"Don't make the same mistake twice seems to indicate three
mistakes, doesn't it? First you make the mistake. Then you
make the same mistake. Then you make the same mistake twice.
If you simply say, 'Don't make the same mistake,' you'll
avoid ...


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Barbie Shopping

One day a fella was driving home when he suddenly realized that it was his
daughter's birthday and -- shock -- he hadn't bought her anything. Out of the corner
of his eye he notices a shopping mall. Knowing that it was 'now or never', he
pulls ...


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Bradley Cooper Called Sarah Silverman Out for Saying They Aren't Good Friends

No body


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Car Company Names

AUDI

Accelerates Under Demonic Influence

Always Unsafe Designs Implemented

All Un-informed Drivers Insulted

All Unnecessary Devices Installed

BMW

Big Money Works

Bought My Wife

Brutal Money Waster

BUICK

Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer...


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107 Funny Christmas Jokes and Puns 2023

Christmas jokes and puns from 2023, although some older jokes might slip through

If these 107 Christmas jokes is not enough for you, please find lot more of Christmas jokes in our Christmas jokes collection

* What does the Gingerbread Man use to make his bed? Cookie sheets!
* What's Santa Claus's favourite track & field event? North Pole-vaulting!
* That sly smile on your face has me thinking you’re up to snow good.
* I didn't think this party would be such a drag; I'm snow bored.
* What was Santa's best subject in school? Chemistree.
* What did the peanut butter say to the grape on Christmas? This is the season to be jelly.
* What's Santa Claus's favourite type of potato chip? Crisp Pringles!
* All I want for Christmas is ewe.
* I'm pine-ing for you.
* Have snow fear—Christmas is here!
* Your presents are requested.
* Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
* What do you call a reindeer ghost? A cari-boo!
* I bought my son a refrigerator for Xmas – I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
* The moment you stop believing in Santa is when you start getting clothes for Christmas.
* This fire is so cozy, the snuggle is real.
* I'll be ho-ho-home for Xmas.
* A round of Santa-plause, please.
* Happy howlidays! Hope Santa Paws brings you lots of treats.
* Sending you pugs and kisses this Christmas.
* Who delivers Christmas presents to pets? Santa Paws.
* Yappy Holidays and a Happy New Year.
* Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
* These decorations are tree-mendous.
* I only have ice for you.
* It is ice to meet you.
* Have your elf a merry little Christmas.
* How do dogs sing jingle bells? Dachshund through the snow…
* Merry Xmas. Hope it’s not too ruff!
* How do Chihuahuas say merry Christmas? iFleas Navidog.
* What did the dog say to the Xmas tree? Bark.
* Santa’s little yelper wants to wish you a Merry Christmas.
* Why was the dog upset about the Xmas tree? He was not even allowed to bring sticks into the house.
* Someone’s barking up the wrong Christmas tree.
* Paws a moment this Christmas to reflect on what the season is all about!
* What do you call a wet dog with a bell on his collar? Jingle smells!
* It is never chew late to wish you a Happy Holidays.
* If you’re lucky this Xmas, Santa Claus will grace you with his presents.
* That look soots you.
* What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.
* Children who don’t learn to tie their shoes properly are bound to wind up on the knotty list.
* It is the most wonderful time for a beer.
* The festive season has me feeling extra Santa-mental.
* How do dogs decorate for Xmas? They deck the paws with bows of collie.
* What do you do when it’s raining cats and dogs? Nothing; as long as it does not reindeer.
* You sleigh me.
* I’ll never fir-get.
* In 2020, the best gift will be hand Santa-tizer.
* You’re the best person I snow.
* It’s the most wine-derful time of the year.
* I love when candy canes are in mint condition.
* Rebel without a Claus.
* You’re my soul Santa.
* What do snowmen eat for lunch? Ice burgers!
* What kind of music do elves listen to? Wrap.
* What do you call an old snowman? Water.
* Where do snowmen keep money? In a snow bank.
* What do you call Frosty the Snowman in May? A puddle!
* Which of Santa's reindeer has bad manners? Rude-alph!
* Why didn't the skeleton go to the Yule party? He had no-body to go with.
* What do you get if you combine Santa and a duck? A Xmas Quacker!
* What type of cars do elves drive? Toy-otas.
* When I think about you, I touch my elf.
* He is a fungi to be with.
* Eat, drink, and be tacky.
* I got my wife a wooden leg for Christmas. It’s a real stocking filler!
* You’ve got balls coming in here dressed like that.
* What is the worst Christmas present? A broken drum, you can't beat it.
* Did you hear about the mall Santa who lost his job? He was fired for Clause.
* What do you call people who are afraid of Santa clause? Claustrophobic.
* How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he has visited? He keeps a log book.
* Why is Santa banned from sooty chimneys? Carbon footprints.
* What do you call a cow that lives in an igloo? An eskimoo.
* Santa's beard is so long because he's bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?
* What kind of linens do gingerbread men put on their beds? Cookie sheets.
* Single bells, single bells, single all the way.
* What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
* Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing? They keep dropping their needles.
* Who hides in the bakery at Xmas? A mince spy.
* How do the elves clean Santa's sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!
* What do snowmen have for breakfast? Snowflakes.
* Eat, drink, and be meowy.
* Have a meowy Christmas.
* Merry catmas! Hope you have a Purr-fect Holiday season!
* May your days be meowy and bright.
* All I want for Xmas is mew.
* Here comes Santa Claws, here comes Santa Claws…
* Catty Canes.
* The tree and I are getting lit this Christmas.
* Are you oakay? Yes, I'm pine!
* I love hanging with you this season.
* Never fir-get how beautiful Christmas trees are.
* Have a tree-mendous Christmas.
* Hey DJ, drop the needles. Can I get a watt watt?
* I think my tree and I have a really good chemis-tree.
* Don’t forget that everyone is rooting for you.
* This year my tree is #ballin.
* Ornamentary, my dear Watt-son.
* Hey tree, do not leaf me hanging.
* Looking at you is like reading poetree.
* Birch, please.
* I love the festive season more than you think.
* Yes, I do consider myself a Christmas tree hugger.
* I’m having fun fir sure.
* I love you a whole watt.
* What a de-light you are to be around.

* Advice from a tree: stand tall and proud, go out on a limb, remember your roots, and drink plenty of water.






#joke #christmas #newyear #beer #short


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Driving Me Out of my Mind

Mindy: "I finally fixed that annoying noise in my car."
Missy: "Really? How did you do it?'
Mindy: "I opened the door and pushed him out."




#joke #short


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Countdown to Friday: 7 Fresh Jokes to Lighten Your Week

A woman walks into her bathroom to see her husband sucking in his stomach.
"You know that won't help you lose weight," she says.
"I know that," says the husband.
"But it will help me see the numbers."

A pianist goes into a bar that he wasn't there for 3 years
The pianist goes to the piano and starts to play: do re mi fa sol la do re mi fa sol la do re mi fa sol la...
just like that for an hour,
after he finishes, the bartender asks him:
what the heck did you play us now?
The pianist said:
"long time no si"

What begins with E and ends in E but only has one letter?
Envelope.

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.noziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf

In my job interview I was asked what some of my good qualities were...
Well my doctor always calls me patient.

What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.

Waitress: How did you find your steak Sir?
I just looked next to the potatoes and there it was.




#joke #doctor #friday #short


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David Oyelowo Gets Emotional Talking About Oprah's Ongoing Support | The Jonathan Ross

No body


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First Drafts: Happy Holidays 2023

No body


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For The Kids...

Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses
You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop!

Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?
Use a pencil till I get there

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bell?
Take these and if it doesn...


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Midweek Mirth: A Collection of Short Jokes to Propel You to Friday

Did you hear about the terrible sinking of the cargo ship which was carrying shoes? Thousands of soles were lost to the sea that day.


I've found something my wife's bum doesn't look big in... The distance!


My wife says the salad I make tends to be a bit on the "dry" side. It's definitely something that needs addressing.


I went on a date with a girl who said she loved animals.
I said, "I work with animals every day."
She said, "That's so sweet. What do you do?"
I replied, "I'm a butcher!"

Scientists got bored after watching the Earth turn after 24 hours…
So they called it a day!

What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes.

Whats the best gift to give someone? A broken Drum. Nobody can beat it.






#joke #short


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Writing skills

Talk about writing skills...
Lawyers are the only people who can write a 10,000-word document and call it a "brief"!




#joke #short #lawyer


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Ann-Margret's Unforgettable Performance | Carson Tonight Show

No body


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Christmas Carols For Psychiatric Patients, part 2

... continued from above

Paranoia: Santa Claus is Coming to Town (to Get Me)

Mania: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and....

Depression: Silent ...


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Elon Musk: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (HBO)

No body


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Text Talk

My wife texted me “I love u”.
I said that’s my favorite letter, too.




#joke #short


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The most popular 10 Christmas cracker jokes for 2023 - voted

Gold asked British people to post their favorite jokes online. A group of judges picked the best ones, and then 2,000 people voted anonymously. The joke that got the most votes made fun of a recent event where thousands of priceless artefacts were stolen from the famous British Museum in London. 1.Did you hear about the Christmas cake on display in the British Museum?
It was Stollen

2.Why is Elon Musk's Christmas dinner so awkward?
He can't stop talking about his X

3.Why isn't Barbie having turkey for Christmas dinner this year?
Chic-Ken is enough

4.Why aren't any schools allowed to put on a nativity this year?
They couldn't find a stable building

Check out more Jokes on Christmas Jokes

5.What impact will the 20mph speed limit in Wales have on the charts this year?
Chris Rea will be driving home for Easter

6.What happened to Mark Zuckerberg's novelty jumper when he had a cage fight with Elon Musk?
He was left with nothing but Threads

7.What's the difference between The Polar Express and HS2?
One's a fantasy about a train and the other's a film with Tom Hanks

8.What did Robert Oppenheimer get Barbie for Christmas?
Atomic Kenergy

9.Why are the train drivers on the naughty list this year?
Because they've already had three strikes!

10.How does Margot Robbie decorate her Nativity scene?
With 3 wise Ken






#joke #christmas #short


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De-Stigmatizing Sex Work - Long Story Short | The Daily Show

No body


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Internetaholics Anonymous

Your name was given to us by a spouse or family member who is concerned about your internet addiction. At Internetaholics Anonymous, we can help.

Yes, you--we're talking to you. You, looking at this screen for hours on end, online. You, bleary ...


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Jason Mantzoukas on Acting with De Niro, His Podcast Ruining His Life & Percy Jackson Series

No body


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Cowabunga Jake

I rescued a cow from a slaughterhouse...
... I named them Jake from Steak Farm.




#joke #short


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Caught Stealing Groceries

I saw a man stealing groceries the other day while on the shoulders of a couple of vampires.
He got charged with shoplifting on two counts.




#joke #short


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'Twas The Day After Christmas

Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurting-- even the mouse.

The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.

Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, while...


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A Jury Full of Lawyers

A judge in a small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial.

It was nearly 4:00 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge ...


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Bear-Hunting Preacher

A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to the
hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he collided with a bear, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside. His...


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